Friday, 8 October 2010

Life Update

I can't believe it's October 8th already.  I can't tell if time's going by slow or fast, but it's definitely going by... which is likely one of the dumber things I've said in my lifetime.

This last month and a half or so has been a very long exercise in making it through the day.  Lindsey left at the end of August, just before work got started again, and things that sucked and made me want to scream then have just become unbearable.  Going to bed when I know I have to go to work the next day makes me feel sick some nights, but the day comes, usually it sucks, I get home, then my time is mine for a little bit at least.

I'm registered to take the JLPT again, but I can't imagine I'll do any better.  I was going to study.  I bought two new books since I went through my old ones.  I had a study plan in my head and the drive to do it... then I went to work and got mocked by my students for ten minutes for writing a correction on their papers.  That's just one example of many, today two students laughed in my face while I responded  a question.  Mom said God's got a reason for having me go through this.  I'm sure he is teaching me something, but I don't want to even think about what I need to know how to handle more mockery and bitchiness for.  I have no drive to study Japanese, at all.  I look at my books and want to throw them.  I've tried to force myself a few times to study, and it just makes me mad or stresses me out.  I'll be mad at myself once I'm away from here for sure, because I know for a fact I do love this language and I want to study more history and do more things with it.  But for now... I kinda wish I didn't know it.  I wish I couldn't understand people around me.  I wish I didn't know what my students were saying, not even behind my back, right in front of me.  I wish I couldn't hear the topic shift in train conversations to "foreigners" and "Oh, so-and-so speaks Japanese! Blah blah" and "Oh, this happened in English class and yadda-yadda" when people notice me or another non Asian face around.  All those things that ticked me off and made me want to smack somebody before make me feel like I'm going to explode now.  I really regret not packing up and leaving at the end of August... not that I had the money, but now my company is dangling a whole paycheck over my head to keep me here until January at least.

August was great.  It was worth being here for, and I had so much fun and re-discovered a lot of things that this soul-sucking country hid from me.  I'm still too unhappy about the day today to look back at them and not get angry at the present, but  maybe I'll write about it soon.

I have a class starting next week, so that's something to look forward to anyway.  I'm taking Michigan history online from MCC.  No clue how I'm going to do research for any papers, but it'll at least keep me busy, and hopefully keep my mind on something other than life right now.  Lindsey's taking Latin at her school, and she's sending me her notes and quizzes and stuff.  It's fun.  The verbs are pretty easy.  I keep confusing some of the spellings with Spanish though.  The nouns are... I understand them, but I haven't had the energy to sit and study them enough.  I'm two weeks behind right now.  I wanted to study some today, but I might just go for a walk.  My head feels really funny.  I should get some more paper... and food... and some cash since I have about $2 in my bag.

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