Thursday, 1 May 2008

not upset just discontent

i can hear what everyone would say. make the best of it. give it time. you~re living your dream. it~ll get better.

truth is i~m only living a part of my dream but i~m too afraid to even say it much less put everything i have into it. i~ve started my adult life out with enough debt to buy a new corvette. or a house with michigan~s market as it is. i feel like my chances all ended when i graduated because of my debt. i~m racing down a pitch black tunnel and i don~t know when the floor is going to drop out beneath me.

i don~t know why i can~t be content with life as it is for longer than a moment. i like to think it~s because my life is meant to be more. but the voices around me keep telling me that life is what it is. god~s plan and all. if that~s true then i suppose i~ll end up being discontent until it drives me insane.

but how can anyone say or even presume to think that this is god~s plan for me? if it is wouldn~t i be more at peace? would i cry every night when there~s really nothing to cry about? would my heart burn like it does when i let myself dream? or is god just less involved in our lives than we believe?

i~m asking questions i can~t answer. i know what i~d like to believe. i know somebody~s listening when i~m crying out. i don~t know anything past that. and i don~t know how i know he hears me. but i do. but the pat answers i~ve heard for so long when i ask these questions are all i hear now and i don~t buy them.

i can~t buy them.

i don~t know anything right now.

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