Thursday, 17 April 2008

I`m tired

and feeling rather lost and confused right now. Confused mostly because I have no clue why my body is doing what it`s doing except maybe stress, and that I have no idea what else to do about. I`ve managed to detach myself partially from work stress, because quite frankly if they want me working there I have to. I don`t care about making the company money. I care about being the best teacher I can be right now, and while I`m a teacher, that`s not going to change. I really have never been much for making money unless I really need it. I don`t like money, I don`t care about it, I`m certainly not going to stress out over making it for somebody who`s treating me like crap.

I`m feeling lost because I feel like I`ve been asleep for the last 10 months and woke up into another level of a nightmare. Situationally it`s getting better, meaning that every day my apartment gets a little cleaner and more organised. Every day I do a little better teaching and get a little more comfortable with my students. But, while my co-workers have been nice enough, except for the lectures. I was having a moment on Tuesday, and stuff needed to be said or I was going to pack up and leave right then (no clue where I would have gone, but that was where I was at) so I told one of the co-workers I get along best with that I needed help talking to the manager because I was owed money for the hotel I was never supposed to pay for on nightmare night, my apartment was a wreck, and quite honestly I couldn`t handle being there at the time. So after that first the Business Coordinator came and talked to me, then the manager, then the manager sat me down with the BC and the new manager and explained her level of stress to me, and what the heck am I supposed to say? "I`m sorry your job is stressful. You get paid very well to do it and you can still choose if you respond to me by putting in your headphones and telling me to go away." That would go over so well.

It`s hard to put into words what`s wrong with my job, because it`s really just a lot of things snowballing into me crying several times a day. I haven`t today, but that`s because I got into work and promptly left, and have no intention of going back until an hour before my class so I can prepare for it... which is at 6 o`clock.

This is one thing that`s hard. We`re required to clock in at 1PM, even if, like today, we don`t have class all day. We don`t get paid for the time we`re clocked in unless we`re teaching or in meetings or doing paperwork, which at my school is rediculously unorganised and I have no desire to even begin to do that because no matter how many hours I put into organising paperwork that was a mess before I got to it, I only get paid for 26 hours a week. Technically I`m supposed to be sitting at the school greeting students and chatting with them, which I`ve been lectured for not doing or doing poorly on multiple occasions already. Except I don`t know any of the students and I can manage a few line conversation with someone I don`t know, but since I`m never going to remember their name, much less a ton of information about them, I have trouble faking.

I`m bummed because one of the tests I need to take, and wanted to take this summer, ended the registration period March 14th. I thought it was in April, but there was no way I`d have been able to register for it anyway. So I have to wait until the fall.

Right now I`m okay. I feel like I`m going to throw up again, not that there`s anything left in my stomach, but other than that I guess I`m okay. I don`t know if time will make this better or worse, but right now I don`t think I have much of a choice. I sent my resume to Bloomberg. I`m going to send it out to more places as I find them. But as much as I`m told my language abilities are something special, when compared to someone with language and a technical background, I have no hope of getting a job. I can write. So I guess for now that`s all I have to do. But I have no professional experience. I`m really not that competative, but I can fake it for a while. I know what I want to do, but I haven`t got the foggiest idea of how to get to where I can do that. Maybe that`s what`s wrong with me right now, all of this. Or I`m just sick. I don`t know, but I really don`t want to go back to work.

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