Friday, 4 April 2008

I'm alive

I really should be sleeping. My internet didn't work here all week on their wireless, and I just this evening managed to get it to work...

Well, it's my last night in Vancouver. It's been interesting at least. Lots of ups and downs, a good deal of frustration, but it's pointing me where I need to be going (I think) so.....

I still don't really feel ready to be a teacher. I'm a bit more excited about that part, but the company is just... they're more business money-driven than student satisfaction driven. To keep the student paying, make him happy as opposed to keep the student happy and he'll keep paying. I know it's not much of a difference, but it's something that bothered me a lot this week. Espeicially since the training was 50% how to teach, 10% what we should encourage the students to buy (programs, books, etc) and 40% "Make money!" It just seemed too .... like I was being trained as a salesman rather than a teacher... which in truth I am, but I'd rather be lied to and convinced that I'm teaching English for the company, not just a monkey on display entertaining visitors.

That sounds way more negative than I actually am. When I'm not tired, I get excited. I was bummed though, today when I found out that you have to teach 2 years to work with the kids. I'm not staying with them that long. I want a job that's more in line with, well, what I want to do - either translating or being the bilingual contact for companies. I really think it would be awesome to work with the music companies and help bridge them to the English speaking market. That'll take a while. We'll see. And I still want to go to grad school.

I can't believe I'm leaving the continent tomorrow though. I know consciously that I am. Just like I know consciously that I've already made this first step. But I don't feel it. I've been able to delay my freak-out moments until I can freak-out safely for a very long time. I think that's what it is again. I know somewhere that if I really realize what I'm doing, I'd be on the first flight home asking mom to pick me up from the airport. I keep getting little moments of sheer terror, not because of where I'm going really, or what I'm doing, but the idea of starting my career, and starting it in a way that's so very much outside of my comfort zone, really truly scares me.

Pastor was talking last week about how if you act like you have faith, faith will come to you. It made me think of last time I went to Japan, how I really didn't know what I was doing, but I knew that I had to do it, and somehow I just would. Suddenly I was walking down a street that could barely fit one car, with foot and a half deep cement ditches and 6 foot high concrete walls on either side, and I realized that I wasn't just pretending to be where I was supposed to go. I had gone there, and even though I felt so very alone for the first little while, suddenly I realized God was right there walking next to me the whole time.

I know he's with me now, even though I don't feel like I did then. I don't know that this was the way he meant me to take to get to where he wants me to be, but even still he hasn't left me. But I'm still scared. I already feel so far away. I want my mom. I want a hug - I'm crying and getting a headache because I keep forgetting to breathe, and I just want a hug.

I know it'll get better. Life will calm down once I'm in my apartment and working, away from the constant badgering about business stuff, in a place where I can actually be alone at some point in the day, not living out of suitcases. I'll be happy when all of this part is over and I can relax a bit. For now it looks like my schedule is pretty light. 21 classes, and most of them are pretty high level or kids classes, so those should be fun.

I'm in a hotel for the next 9 days, so probably the monday after the Mix Speaker's,Inc. concert, which is next Sunday I'll have my own place. It looks like a lot of the Leo Palace apartments have internet included... which would be awesome! I couldn't find my building on their website because there are probably no open rooms, so I don't know for sure. But I really hope they do! Especially for $700 a month!

Anyway, it's 1:13...so.... I'm mostly re-packed (I have no clue how mom managed to get it all in the first time. It took 3 re-packings and it's still... bigger... than it was when she packed it) but I'm still getting up at 6. I'll nap on the plane I think. I actually managed to sleep most of the way here. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night. Slept from Detroit to Chicago to Toronto, and then until about an hour or so before we hit the Rockeys. So I guess that means exhastion wins over my inability to sleep now. I like this development.

So sleep now... yeah... sleep... hopefully (I don't like sharing a bed -_-;;)

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