Tuesday, 29 April 2008

a slightly frustrated rant

i hate feeling like i~m being brushed off. "ok. you~re not amusing anymore so quit speaking." i hate that the only people i know here make me feel like that all the time.

it sucks that i have this long vacation..the only one until new year...and i cant go anywhere. and the people i know in this city aren~t amused by me enough to want to hang out it seems. i hate being bored. i don~t want to read or play games or sit at my computer. i want to go DO something. but everytime i do i end up in a foul mood cause the people around me are all in pairs or groups and i~m by myself.

maybe i should have suffered a two hour car ride and the awful sun to go to the park. at least my coworker~s HAVE to talk to me.

Thursday, 24 April 2008

well i was doing a lot better

and then today and yesterday have just been so rediculous that i~m back to the point of i don~t know how long i can deal with this school. the bull is fine when i can ignore it but eventually it starts effecting me directly and then i get frustrated.

maybe the holiday will help. i want to be at a place where i~m not wondering everyday how i can get a job that isn~t so rediculous. i know it probably sounds like normal whining. i~m not going to try to explain what this company is like cause it~ll just make me mad.

Saturday, 19 April 2008

haha

tv on my phone! it makes me giggle.

and sa ryang~s va is wierd and disliked. and they fail at pronouncing damdok and a few of the other names. and pe yonjun~s va is also odd but he was only in the preview cause today was episode 3. and sujini was far too girly but her adult va sounded good.

it~s so nice to watch that show and not read subtitles. i~m catching so much more of the dialogue since i was just watching the action and pretty costumes before and wishing i knew korean so i had a clue what was going on.

still not over sa ryang~s voice. or the ~kiha sama~ instead of ~kiha nim~

wierd.

i love that show. i bought part one of the novel last week but i haven~t had the energy to read it yet. i~m so glad it~s just now coming out here. i get to fangirl all over again!

太王四神記

i have to brag to fay and angie cause at 11:10 i~m going to be watching tae wang sa shingi on NHK from my phone.


really hard to explain just how much this amuses me. but it~s somewhere on the same spectrum of my amusement at the fact that i live in room 304....which only chieko and lindsey are going to understand. darn it all why is nobody awake for me to pester about this!?

and

i~m also geeked that i found my box of aunt tracy earrings i was panicing about having lost. *flaunts bright red dangly sparkly things*

i went back to both hotels and tore apart any container i had big enough looking for that box. so relieved i found it.

ok. the whole typing and walking thing is really not working.

100% better

i have forever until my train comes and nobody~s awake for me to bug. so yeah.

i took a sick/mental health day yesterday and it did me a world of good. i was feeling physically way better when i woke up. and a bit more positive. and then ellie brought me hot soup and another get better bag with yogurt and juice and sports drinks. and it was really the hot soup and her smile. she doesn~t know me at all but she~s always so ready to help. i~m not going to ask someone to bring me soup and juice. but she did and smiled and i thought maybe this was god~s way of saying ~i hear you crying. you~re not alone. trust me~

that really changed how i~ve been looking at everything. there is still a lot that i don~t like. but hearing god speak and answer me so directly and ellie just being so nice really brought me up out of my nightmare. i feel like me again. yeah i~m never going to like everything. i~m far too picky for that. but work needs me too much to fire me for not being the automaton they want. so i~m going to be the crazy wonderful me that god made. with all of my human quirkiness. and i~m going to be the best darn teacher i can be for time i~m here.

god~s awesome. in a few days he~s taken me from super low to higher than i was before i got here. i~m even kinda excited about some of my students. like this one couple i have as a private lesson. their english is really mostly japanese. but they~re so excited to learn and they have so much fun just talking to me that it makes the 50 minutes super awesome. i~m really bummed they~re not coming next week. they~re going to australia. i think its so awesome how much fun they have together. i hope when i~m old my husband will want to study a language and learn horseback riding and travel all over with me. i think i~m going to ask that if i ever find someone i~m considering marrying.

and then there~s one of my students who~s a hockey player. he~s going to hong kong and san fransisco and new york to play. and apparently there~s a hockey stadium in tokyo! i did not know this!o(^o^)o so the other teachers are all ~it~s so cool. he~s half russian~ and i~m all ~dude! he plays hockey!!~*dork*

yeah. my stops next so i~m done now. hehe.

Thursday, 17 April 2008

yup. tried to eat something before my class so i wouldn~t pass out and back into the bathroom. they cancelled my classes for me which means i~m headed home to sleep. which is probably best. but i think that this counts as a holiday which sucks.

i got down the rest of my water about an hour before i got sick so hopefully thats ok.

ugh. thd guy next to me just farted and got off the train. gross.

I`m tired

and feeling rather lost and confused right now. Confused mostly because I have no clue why my body is doing what it`s doing except maybe stress, and that I have no idea what else to do about. I`ve managed to detach myself partially from work stress, because quite frankly if they want me working there I have to. I don`t care about making the company money. I care about being the best teacher I can be right now, and while I`m a teacher, that`s not going to change. I really have never been much for making money unless I really need it. I don`t like money, I don`t care about it, I`m certainly not going to stress out over making it for somebody who`s treating me like crap.

I`m feeling lost because I feel like I`ve been asleep for the last 10 months and woke up into another level of a nightmare. Situationally it`s getting better, meaning that every day my apartment gets a little cleaner and more organised. Every day I do a little better teaching and get a little more comfortable with my students. But, while my co-workers have been nice enough, except for the lectures. I was having a moment on Tuesday, and stuff needed to be said or I was going to pack up and leave right then (no clue where I would have gone, but that was where I was at) so I told one of the co-workers I get along best with that I needed help talking to the manager because I was owed money for the hotel I was never supposed to pay for on nightmare night, my apartment was a wreck, and quite honestly I couldn`t handle being there at the time. So after that first the Business Coordinator came and talked to me, then the manager, then the manager sat me down with the BC and the new manager and explained her level of stress to me, and what the heck am I supposed to say? "I`m sorry your job is stressful. You get paid very well to do it and you can still choose if you respond to me by putting in your headphones and telling me to go away." That would go over so well.

It`s hard to put into words what`s wrong with my job, because it`s really just a lot of things snowballing into me crying several times a day. I haven`t today, but that`s because I got into work and promptly left, and have no intention of going back until an hour before my class so I can prepare for it... which is at 6 o`clock.

This is one thing that`s hard. We`re required to clock in at 1PM, even if, like today, we don`t have class all day. We don`t get paid for the time we`re clocked in unless we`re teaching or in meetings or doing paperwork, which at my school is rediculously unorganised and I have no desire to even begin to do that because no matter how many hours I put into organising paperwork that was a mess before I got to it, I only get paid for 26 hours a week. Technically I`m supposed to be sitting at the school greeting students and chatting with them, which I`ve been lectured for not doing or doing poorly on multiple occasions already. Except I don`t know any of the students and I can manage a few line conversation with someone I don`t know, but since I`m never going to remember their name, much less a ton of information about them, I have trouble faking.

I`m bummed because one of the tests I need to take, and wanted to take this summer, ended the registration period March 14th. I thought it was in April, but there was no way I`d have been able to register for it anyway. So I have to wait until the fall.

Right now I`m okay. I feel like I`m going to throw up again, not that there`s anything left in my stomach, but other than that I guess I`m okay. I don`t know if time will make this better or worse, but right now I don`t think I have much of a choice. I sent my resume to Bloomberg. I`m going to send it out to more places as I find them. But as much as I`m told my language abilities are something special, when compared to someone with language and a technical background, I have no hope of getting a job. I can write. So I guess for now that`s all I have to do. But I have no professional experience. I`m really not that competative, but I can fake it for a while. I know what I want to do, but I haven`t got the foggiest idea of how to get to where I can do that. Maybe that`s what`s wrong with me right now, all of this. Or I`m just sick. I don`t know, but I really don`t want to go back to work.

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

i~m confused now.

yesterday i had a cold but i feel better today. except i just threw up. which wouldn~t be all that remarkable except that i haven~t thrown up sick or not since jr high. now i~m all confused.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

the first few days

yay! phone update. japanese phones are fantastic.

uh where did i leave off? sunday was harajuku and shibuya run. that was strange to do alone and without my phone to email lindsey and chieko. then i ate at yoshinoya.

monday i ran all over chiba to register. finally the fourth place i was sent to on the other end of the city was the right place. then i got my phone which was quite exciting. the poor salesman who helped me was super nice. he even stepped into the pouring rain to point out how to get to the bank was its own adventure but i managed to deposit some of my traveler~s checks. i need to go tomorrow before work and take care of the rest so i have money for this weekend. apparently there~s a party saturday for me at the bar near the school. i wouldn~t really want to go on a normal day but sat. morning i have to walk all of my bags from this hotel to the school then after work take them by train to another hotel a half hour away only to move again sunday morning...alone. and they want me to be social and drink with my students somewhere during this. what happened to ゛off the clock is my time゛? not to mention the actual timing. i get off at 8 and have to check into
the hotel asap. the party starts at 8:30.

so that~s where i am. i~m not really up to talking about how work itsself is going. it~s stressful、 frustrating、 and just saps any joy i get out of teaching...which is disheartening. and the company has just been full of lies up to this point. but i~ll make it one way or another. maybe it would have been easier coming in blind and dependant. maybe it would have held off the frustration at least until i was done living in a hotel. ah well. i have to make the best of what i have. i walked into this with my eyes open so i have no one to blame but me.

Sunday, 6 April 2008

I`m here ... sorta

And I just remembered why I`m not a fan of Japanese keyboards.

Anyway, I`m in an internet cafe that I`m frighteningly familiar with (that would be Harajuku Alpha......... yeah, been here a lot). I have internet in my hotel, but I can`t get it to work. And I wanted to come here to see something familiar and remind myself of the fact that I`m in Japan. I thought maybe I just hadn`t realized it yet, but I think my reaction just isn`t what I expected. I`m excited to be here, yes, but I`m not actually feeling excited or different. I feel natural - not unhappy, not awkward, just like I never really left. It`s wierd. Mostly now I have to keep reminding myself that my phone doesn`t work and Lindsey and Chieko are on another continent.

But I have a bunch of running to do today, and it`s already getting later than I expected. I`ll try to check in as often as I can though.

Friday, 4 April 2008

I'm alive

I really should be sleeping. My internet didn't work here all week on their wireless, and I just this evening managed to get it to work...

Well, it's my last night in Vancouver. It's been interesting at least. Lots of ups and downs, a good deal of frustration, but it's pointing me where I need to be going (I think) so.....

I still don't really feel ready to be a teacher. I'm a bit more excited about that part, but the company is just... they're more business money-driven than student satisfaction driven. To keep the student paying, make him happy as opposed to keep the student happy and he'll keep paying. I know it's not much of a difference, but it's something that bothered me a lot this week. Espeicially since the training was 50% how to teach, 10% what we should encourage the students to buy (programs, books, etc) and 40% "Make money!" It just seemed too .... like I was being trained as a salesman rather than a teacher... which in truth I am, but I'd rather be lied to and convinced that I'm teaching English for the company, not just a monkey on display entertaining visitors.

That sounds way more negative than I actually am. When I'm not tired, I get excited. I was bummed though, today when I found out that you have to teach 2 years to work with the kids. I'm not staying with them that long. I want a job that's more in line with, well, what I want to do - either translating or being the bilingual contact for companies. I really think it would be awesome to work with the music companies and help bridge them to the English speaking market. That'll take a while. We'll see. And I still want to go to grad school.

I can't believe I'm leaving the continent tomorrow though. I know consciously that I am. Just like I know consciously that I've already made this first step. But I don't feel it. I've been able to delay my freak-out moments until I can freak-out safely for a very long time. I think that's what it is again. I know somewhere that if I really realize what I'm doing, I'd be on the first flight home asking mom to pick me up from the airport. I keep getting little moments of sheer terror, not because of where I'm going really, or what I'm doing, but the idea of starting my career, and starting it in a way that's so very much outside of my comfort zone, really truly scares me.

Pastor was talking last week about how if you act like you have faith, faith will come to you. It made me think of last time I went to Japan, how I really didn't know what I was doing, but I knew that I had to do it, and somehow I just would. Suddenly I was walking down a street that could barely fit one car, with foot and a half deep cement ditches and 6 foot high concrete walls on either side, and I realized that I wasn't just pretending to be where I was supposed to go. I had gone there, and even though I felt so very alone for the first little while, suddenly I realized God was right there walking next to me the whole time.

I know he's with me now, even though I don't feel like I did then. I don't know that this was the way he meant me to take to get to where he wants me to be, but even still he hasn't left me. But I'm still scared. I already feel so far away. I want my mom. I want a hug - I'm crying and getting a headache because I keep forgetting to breathe, and I just want a hug.

I know it'll get better. Life will calm down once I'm in my apartment and working, away from the constant badgering about business stuff, in a place where I can actually be alone at some point in the day, not living out of suitcases. I'll be happy when all of this part is over and I can relax a bit. For now it looks like my schedule is pretty light. 21 classes, and most of them are pretty high level or kids classes, so those should be fun.

I'm in a hotel for the next 9 days, so probably the monday after the Mix Speaker's,Inc. concert, which is next Sunday I'll have my own place. It looks like a lot of the Leo Palace apartments have internet included... which would be awesome! I couldn't find my building on their website because there are probably no open rooms, so I don't know for sure. But I really hope they do! Especially for $700 a month!

Anyway, it's 1:13...so.... I'm mostly re-packed (I have no clue how mom managed to get it all in the first time. It took 3 re-packings and it's still... bigger... than it was when she packed it) but I'm still getting up at 6. I'll nap on the plane I think. I actually managed to sleep most of the way here. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night. Slept from Detroit to Chicago to Toronto, and then until about an hour or so before we hit the Rockeys. So I guess that means exhastion wins over my inability to sleep now. I like this development.

So sleep now... yeah... sleep... hopefully (I don't like sharing a bed -_-;;)