Friday, 21 March 2008

That just hit me...

And now suddenly I'm terrified. I'm scared that things are going to be way different. I'm scared that I'm going to leave, and when I come back here it's going to be different again. I'm scared that people I love aren't going to be around when I come back. I'm scared I'm never going to see my dog again. I'm scared that my friends who I care about are going to forget about me. I'm scared that I'm going to end up coming back broke with my tail between my legs. I'm scared that someone's going to come along and prove to me that I'm really just an arrogant idiot. I'm scared that I'm not going to have any friends. I'm scared that my coworkers are going to hate me. I'm scared that my students are going to find me inadequate. I'm scared that I'm missing something important that's right in front of my face. I'm scared that the people here who I care about are thinking that I don't love them because I'm leaving. I'm scared that I'll never see them again and there will always be that fear that they thought I didn't love them.

Funny. I'm not scared of the plane. I'm not scared that I won't find my way around. I'm not scared that I'll go hungry or by some fluke not have a place to live.

But I just can't shake the rest of the fear. Everytime I really think that I'm actually leaving again, I panic, and I stop thinking about it. Tonight I just can't not think about it, and I guess this was the panic I've been trying not to feel. It's aweful.

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